The scene was at once surreal and redolent of a Brian Rix farce.  The sliding divider between the Spike Bar and the rest of the Lounge was in place.  The main Lounge side was full to capacity with lady members dressed, not for golf, but for coffee and business.  In stark contrast, the Spike Bar was deserted save for the forlorn figures of the Club Captain, a Committee Member and the Website Magazine Editor.  Sitting in silence round the central circular table, they listened to the tones of a disembodied lady’s voice emanating from the amplified speech system’s loudspeaker directly above their heads.

The Lady Members were drawing towards the end of an extra-ordinary meeting and were rounding off by checking their own scores in a Rules of Golf Quiz they had had earlier.  Amongst the last questions had been ‘How is a burrowing animal defined?’  The abated breath of the trio round their table was scarcely adequate to produce the gasps involuntarily induced by the announcement that, of the animals which qualify to be termed ‘burrowing’, one species had recently been declared extinct.  The Rules list the rabbit, mole, groundhog, gopher and salamander.  Which of those could possibly have become extinct?  David Attenborough had not mentioned it on The One Show only the night before last.  How could the revered R and A Rules Committee not have heard in time to expunge the extinct from the galley proof of the New Edition ‘Rules of Golf 2008 – 2011’?

None of the three knew.  A former very senior naval person, used to providing ships for the likes of Cook and Darwin, who had just come in hoping for a bowl of soup, had not heard.  Philip, like all barmen normally the fount of knowledge, was none the wiser and grumbled good-naturedly that he was all too used to being treated as a gofer.  The Website Magazine Editor testified that, it being a very long time since he had seen a salamander at Liphook, perhaps it was that which had become extinct.

The conundrum remains.  Any member who can cast light on this mysterious extinction is urged to explain all on a postcard to the Editor so that the readership may be informed that they may no longer take relief from a hole made by a rabbit/mole/groundhog/gopher or salamander because it is extinct.

The following conversation was overheard in the Spike Bar.

Elder A  ‘I came in today to check the teams for this year’s Elders Matches but I couldn’t read the list; the print was too small and I didn’t have my glasses.’

Elder B  ‘But there is a socking great magnifying glass hanging on a chain at the Elders Notice Board.’

Elder A  ‘Oh, I didn’t see that; as I said, I didn’t have my glasses.’

As the elderly chanted at the Retirement Age March in Matt’s cartoon:

What do we want?

Why did we come here?

What were we saying?

Age certainly does affect the memory.  Gossip in the Spike Bar has it that recently a former Captain of the Club was leaving after collecting his golf shoes from the locker room.  He strode to the car standing in the Captain’s parking space and seemed bemused that his key would not unlock the car.  Gradually, like a Shetland summer’s day, it dawned on him that the car was not his own.  A short while later, the sun was really up and he realised he was no longer the Club Captain.

     ‘I’ve a grand memory for forgetting, David.’

                                          Robert Louis Stevenson, Alan Breck

     ‘”It’s a poor sort of memory that only works backwards”, the Queen remarked.’

                                          Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-glass